An Experiment

Sometimes I honestly wish I had no emotion.
Or very little.I feel so torn most of the time.
With the things that makes me that happiest person alive,and the things that break my heart each and everyday.
If I complain, I feel bad. I have a life anyone could envy. Not from the outside, but absolutely from the inside.
But when I am happy, I have a nagging...a shitlist forming in my mind of all the things that are not right, the loose ends, the lingering words of a last fight.
And then nothing seems as it should.I wish I could turn off my brain.The only way I know to do that is sleep....or other unhealthy ways.Neither of which help my situation.I will have a boost of confidence that lasts an houronly to be shut down- an emotion that overrides and overhauls the first.
When I am with my son, the world doesnt matter. It could be raining giant indians and my only concern would be to finish our game, or song, or book. He doesnt make the rest of it go away.... just fade away into the background. Unfortunately, I can't be around him some of the time. And its that time that kills me. That makes me negative. That makes me anxious, and worry, and lose all self esteem, confidence, independence. I constantly doubt everyone and everything around me. I feel helpless and more like a child myself needing saved from something. I am constantly needing saved....
Things are circling around for me. I dont know how to make them better. Just for something to do, I occasionally make them worse. I can't sit still. I can't be satisfied. I can't leave it alone.
I feel pathetic. Like a sad sap, wallowing in self pity. It isnt for attention, I hate negative attention like that. Maybe I am looking for a confirmation that its not all wasted energy. My son is the one thing in my life that I know wont go away, maybe thats why he is the only thing I feel good about most days.... I dont know.
I dont know what I need.....but God, i know its something.


Maybe Ill work on blocking it all out....