Forgotten.

I keep feeling today like I've forgotten or lost something. Maybe its the full brain.
So much going on, pressure is building. Half good, half not so. But good outweighs, definently.
I'm so incredibly anxious to see where the next two months takes us. I just have this feeling[desire] that everything is going to change, and we shall continue on in our new direction!
Being married is crazy. Suddenly, the shit that mattered didn't. Now its just a lifetime friendship, and thats an awesome feeling.
Had an awesome weekend. Finally felt like a break. Pictures to come, I got some cuuute ones :] My computer has a virus and is quite contaminated :[[.


**
My pride overtakes my ability to care at all.
I hate to be like this but soemtimes its the only way
to put the feelings at ease.
You lack all sense of selfworth
and simply make me sad for you.
Quick desicions
Inevitable regrets.
Thats all I see when I look at you
I need to free my mind of the thoughts I once had.
For they are spoiling me and no help to you.
I now see why some are so selfish
people are cruel, and continually hurt.
So as I sink into the few things that I love
Just remember,
I did try.
**

Lessons Learned.

Constantly, these life lessons are never-ending. Everyday I come away with something more. Yesterday was a very insightful, talkative day. I love an entire day spent talking with people, bouncing ideas around and getting opinions out and heard. You always learn so much about yourself.
I have new goals. Good ones too :]
I cannot believe how scatterbrained I've been lately. I have no idea what is causing it but its a real pain. Especially because productivity is tampered with, and I just cannot get myself back on track.
I've been trying to pay back, and pay it forward. I've receieved a lot of love and generousity here lately, I have much debt. I never take for granted what I'm given, I'm always appreciative.
Today is Mom&Baby day. Were gonna go have fun!

People.

I've been trying to figure out people lately. Why they do the things they do, and how to protect myself from them. People hurt! And I have hurt, unintentionally. This is probably the worst, when my words or actions are taken [or SAID AND DONE] the wrong way. I will be first to apologize, yet most of the time not granted second chances. Ah, well. I chalk it up to there are some people just not meant to be in your life.\
There are just so many childish people in this world, one way or another. I try to act "child-like" once a day, but not in a situation that requires responsibility. Such as, I will play pretend with my son and the neighbor kids. Sure I may look like a total freak running around in the cul-de-sac acting like a monster, but hell, those giggles and smiles are worth it. Yet, most people's definition of acting child-like once a day is say, gossiping with others, stealing what isnt theirs, not being capable of holding a true friendship. I wish there was a way to force people to channel these child-like actions into positive thought. Instead of spreading rumors, why not spread information? Helping people to get involved and care. Stealing, well we all know there is a soap-box for me on this one, but hello... WORK FOR WHAT YOU GET. easy as that. And as for friendships... well, I think there is a lot to be learned with them, and they grow, blossom, and become better than ever with age.Cherish them. Cherish the people who honestly care about you, because they are few and far between.
I can't seem to figure out how people are capable to turn emotions off. I want to acquire this trait. I am such an emotional person and sometimes not capable of separating myself. Such as, I am constantly hurt by people. I don't have a good wall put up, and it constantly knocks me down. I am getting much better about it, but I'm just such a softy and people are rude, period.
I deal with people all day at work, and mainly people I don't want to. I'm not being judgemental, but a lot of these people are uneducated and continue to make REALLY STUPID DECISIONS. Its hard to talk to them without wanting to smack them. Also, impatient people, and people who think that talking tough gets them somewhere. Another childish act... its like they think they can bully their way through life. I guarentee if people tried with just a LITTLE bit of effort to play nice, keep their mouth shut, and get the whole story.. life wouldn't be nearly as dramatic.
Ah, I'm just a soapbox today. It's really the people who have been in my life lately. I have my tiny handful in my circle of trust :] the rest of 'em... thems just crazy.

Weekend.

Hi friends.

The weekend was a busy one. I'm loving this blog, documentation of thoughts so I can get them out of my head process them later. Thanks for listening.

Got to spend all weekend with my boys. Waka shopping with Tony, Sebastian got to play all weekend with us AND Nana. He loves her :] Tony & I went to a movie premiere of Winter's Bone. Its the movie Sebastian and I auditioned for last year. It won two awards at Sundance Music Fest! Written locally, shot locally. The producer called us to invite us! They used "A-Advanced Bail Bonds" hat and badge in the movie. Oh and they transcribed my dad's audition tape and used his wording in the movie! Crazy! [His name was on the credits, twice!] Fun times. Painting, crafting, cooking and cleaning allll sunday. Only if everyday could be so productive and great :]
I've had a severe lack of motivation lately. I've been talking about it quite a bit, you would think I would do something about it. Finally trying to get on the ball and work some stuff out. Its not going to happen if I just let it go.
So... new changes! Hopefully a cooler me is to some :]
We watch Avatar last night [ I think I missed about 30 minutes of the end, it was late ] but it was sooo good. Highly impressed. We also for 5 FREE kids rentals at the store, how rad! I'm sooo excited to see 101 Dalamations and The Jungle Book again :D yeah! [I'm totally more stoked than Sebastian!]
It was a rainy weekend, but a great one :D
I need a freakin' vacation. SO excited for Waka. Kinda nervous about being away from Sebastian for 4 days. Will be the longest yet, and damn... I miss that little man.
More crafting, shopping and baking tonight. Plus court today, boo. Wish me luck.

Favorites from the weekend:

Apple Fries make everything better :]








Sebastian's First Artwork! Yeah!

Hope!

Ah, so faith in humanity has been restored!
The woman at Pipeline Ticketing for Wakarusa voided and REISSUED our tickets, even though it was against policy. She put it as our tickets were "lost in the mail by the USPS". What a sweetheart. I guarentee you I will return that act of kindness...somewhere along the way.
Andrew and I drove by a house down the road and said "that would be a good place to hide some shit..." sure enough. How wierd, EVERYTHING was there, except my wallet [tho tickets had been taken out and scattered on the ground] and misc things. Such as, pens and highlighters, my planner, and of course all my debit and credit cards, check books, ID, etc etc. This story just keeps getting more and more wierd....
Took a walk to look at art with Courtney, thoroughly enjoyed. Here's a pic from along the way.

Artwork.

I need a little push today.
I'm becoming exasperated. And I'm the only one going to be able to change that.

Heartbroken...

Violated.
Abused.
Someone stole from me, under my nose. Broad daylight, feet from my front door. I have a feeling I know this person, or they live close to me... who else would steal from a car parked in a driveway at 6 o'clock at night?! I can't understand.
Is this karma?? Thats what I keep asking myself. What did I do wrong, however long ago? I wish karma came with a postcard, "Here's for that, bitch." Then i'd say Oooohhh, damn... I did deserve that.
God :[[ I dont know what to do. That was Tony & I's honeymoon. I feel like Murphy has been stalking me lately. WHY?!?! That's all I want to know.
That, and where the hell is it now?
It makes it so hard to trust anyone, or want to be around anyone. I feel like I want to close off from the world, bury my head and not resurface.

Catching Up..

Hey friends ! Well, its been almost a year and a half since I last posted. I actually had no idea I even HAD a blogspot, who knew! I am happy to saw that though I can remember those feelings from long ago, I don't feel the same. And this is good :]]]

SO much to catch up on! Would probably take me all night.

I'll start with most recent.

Sebastian is HUGE!! Hi!, Have you met my toddler???

Goodness how can he be so big???? No clue, but he's freakin' adorable. And luckily so. His attitude would have him in MUCH bigger trouble sometimes... ;]

Tony proposed to me on April 1, 2009. I thought it was just an awful joke, until I actually opened the box. He started off with "So.... I have something to tell you.." [uhm, hands down WORST way to start the proposal!!] he told me I got the "stink face" until he pulled out a box, hahaha.

On April 17, 2010, we vowed our lives and our love to each other, in beautiful Eureka Springs, AR at the Blue Springs Heritage Center. We are so excited :D and I cannot tell you how happy I am to be a Benedict!

I feel as if I have a lot to say lately. Whether or not it be of importance, make sense or be gramatically correct, I'm going to post it here. This way I can type it instead of handwrite it. I love handwriting poetry, but when trying to document things or get my thoughts out, my mind races and I lose track of what I'm writing and what I'm thinking.... that and I get hand cramps.

♥
C